dappledleaves | meme for pocky /high school AU meme

I--[ The words get stuck in his throat a little. Isn't he just taking advantage right now? Every other time, he had let Oria divert him, push things in a certain way. But now that Oria wasn't feeling well and was holding him like he hadn't since they were kids...

But if he doesn't say it now--

He presses as closer as he can, his voice dropping a little]

...I love you. A lot. So...

[ There's a brief moment of silence between them with the only sound coming from the outside with the window open. The whistle of the wind comes inside and the breeze with it, blowing out several candles. The smell doesn't linger as much due to the breeze, but it's still stuffy inside the room. The vanilla candle remains lit.

Oria had a feeling. He'd have to be blind to not see it, and yet he did all those things. Guilt sinks in deeper than a rock inside the ocean trench. ]

... Is it because we're rooming together? So that we have more moments like this?

[ He's not dense, but wants to confirm some things. ]

[The silence is its own pain. Oria was decisive with everything he ever did. So for him to be silent now. Sinclair bites his lip and shakes his head. That stings too in a way, but Sinclair keeps his gaze set stubbornly on the wall behind Oria]

N-no. It has nothing to do with us rooming together. I've...always felt this way. Long before this.

[And...he wants to keep having moments like this, but it wasn't--That wasn't. The words get tied up again]

Long before this...

[ Oria repeats, muttering it under his breath. So then, it's fine, isn't it? It's fine. It should be fine. ]

So many things happened, but even so...

[ When Oria started dating around in high school, it had hurt unexpectedly. That's when Sinclair realised his feelings had moved beyond just 'friendship'. And he had tried to repress it as much as he could. He wasn't going to be clingy or jealous and ruin things with his own feelings. But he never stopped texting Oria, or calling him, or anything like it. It was only when his parents had died that he had stopped, for a while, until...

Then he came to the school and saw it first hand himself the life Oria had been leading away from him. Oh. And then he tried to bury his own feelings even more. But it was getting harder and harder, considering...]

...even so?

I was afraid that if we talked about anything like this, it would be as if I would be taking advantage of your emotional state. That's why I didn't want to say anything.

[ It's why he always brushed off whatever other people said about the matter, quickly moving on. ]

... But in trying, I guess... I did just that.

My emotional state...?

[ Sinclair tilts his head, as if he could get a glimpse of Oria's face from where it was still planted in his hoodie]

...I'm not that fragile, you know.

[But maybe he was, because he let them both just not address anything]

It's not about being fragile. I know you aren't. It's... irrational of me.

[ He wants to spit it out, but he's suddenly at a loss of words. It's him. It's his selfish ego. ]

So, I'm sorry.

[Sinclair swallows around the sudden lump in his throat and gently eases Oria back so he can look at his face.]

What for?

[He's sure, whatever Oria said next, he could be prepared.]

For not acknowledging your feelings.

[ That's to confirm that he had an idea of how Sinclair felt about him at some point, and yet things continued to be like this. ]

I thought you would have deserved more than that.

[ Oria, the ever proud person who always seemed as if he had a bloated ego. This was definitely some sort of compensation, because he felt that he was never enough. So his mother tried to change him, and that's how he forced himself to be content with who he was. ]

... I'm not as nice as you probably think I am. I dated all those people to try and get my mind off of you. I used them for my own needs. I played with their feelings.

[Oh. Sinclair blinks, heat rising in his cheeks as Oria's words sink in.

Oh.

He hadn't noticed at all. But then, Oria hadn't wanted him to notice and maybe Sinclair had blinded himself a little to it, unwilling to believe Oria could like him the same way. He swallows and presses their foreheads together]

That is a terrible thing to do to people. [His own keen sense of morality had lead to the opposite; he played dumb and made it so he didn't notice anyone who approached him because he knew he had feelings for someone else. ]

...but I must be a terrible person myself, because knowing you were thinking of me makes me happy. [He gives a little wry smile. He's definitely a not good person at all. He's far too selfish.] Is me loving you such a bad thing?

No.

[ He answers that immediately and clings onto Sinclair tighter, his hand clutching onto the fabric of the hoodie sweater. ]

I just don't know... if I'll be enough for you. I don't think I'd ever be able to come back from that.

[ It took so many years for him to accept that his mother had felt that way. If it was Sinclair, then... ]

... So I'm sorry, for being a coward.

[Sinclair swallows, his fingers curling firmly at Oria's shirt]

What are you talking about? You're everything I've ever admired...liked. Loved. I was always thinking it was the other way. That I couldn't be enough for you.

[Knowing Oria had thought that, felt that was an ache he couldn't escape. He shakes his head a little, bumping their noses together slightly]

...could you say those words to me though? Just once?

[ Oh.

With Sinclair's face so close, he feels anxious, yet relieved. He knows himself better than anyone, but he wonders if it might be beaten out by a single person, and that person is right in front of him. He can feel his breathing just by being in such close proximity. ]

Why only once? Unless this is your way of rejecting me...

[Sinclair blushes, and this time there's no hiding it. It's fine. He doesn't intend on hiding anything now. Oria is so close, and his eyes are so blue...he feels like he could drown in them]

I thought you might only want to say it once. But if you want to say it more than that...

[ Oria quietly breathes out. ]

I love you. I love you a lot. You're someone that's so dear to me. You...

[ He tries to calm himself down, but he can't. Once he started, his feelings just tumble out, spilling into the air. ]

You're important to me.

[He had been hoping, wanting, but never quite daring to imagine this. His cheeks fan a brighter red and his eyes prick with tears. But that doesn't stop him from wrapping his arms around Oria firmly]

Mm. I love you too. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. [He exhales softly, still looking at Oria with wonder bright in his golden-brown eyes.]

...hey. Oria. [shyly] Can I kiss you?

[ So much that it hurts... He wonders briefly of how that must feel like, but he thinks he can understand after spilling his feelings out.

And there's something about being asked such a thing that makes him actually feel embarrassed. That vanilla scent is really messing him up. ]

... Yeah.

[ Sinclair blushes more because Oria is blushing, but he leans in carefully to press his lips to Oria's in a gentle chaste kiss. This is precious and he wants Oria to know that]

[ The kiss is chaste, but it's enough for Oria's heart to pound to the point his ears feel like they're drumming inside. He's had a lot of kisses, but none of them feel as good as this. ]

You're so cute. I wish I could see your face.

[ Aaaa. Already with calling him 'cute'. Sinclair blushes again and kisses Oria's cheek because he can and that fills him with a giddy feeling]

Y-You threw your glasses on your bed. I'd get them for you but that means getting up.

That's fine.

[ His grip on the hoodie sweater tightens a little. ]

I want you to stay here...

[ Sinclair curls a little around Oria in response]

Mm. Then I'll stay put.

[ He's so warm. Oria is glad for the warmth, and he's also happy. He finally told Sinclair how he feels about him, and there didn't seem to be any rejection despite the bad things he did. They even kissed.

However, he shudders a little. How is it possible to feel cold and hot at the same time all throughout the body? That's how he feels right now. ]

Cold...

...still?

[Sinclair frowns, and he hugs Oria a little more, pressing their foreheads together, this time to check Oria's temperature. If it's warm, that wasn't a good sign...]

Lets get the blankets then.

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