dappledleaves | THE WORLD: PSL LIFE

[ Oria laughs a little. Did he though? Honestly, he thought about it—doing the exact thing that Sinclair mentioned. But he knows there's value in attending classes, exactly for the reason that Sinclair is thinking.

However. ]

I'd go if I had time. The odds are, I'll be watching something prerecorded and going through the class when I can. It won't match typical class schedules.

[ Oria was jealous of Deto for the normalcy his life led before Fragment. Everyone has their hardships, but when the biggest current worry is something completely mundane, that's something to be thankful for. Even Michel pointed it out: people making a purposeful attempt on your life at least twice a year isn't normal, but it's normal for Oria.

He wished it wasn't his normal, but wishes are merely just that—wishful thinking that never comes true in reality. ]

But it's fine. Academics aren't worth much to me anyway.

[ It was never about that. It was about the experience, the mundane, the common memories and perspectives, the—

Ever since he's seen an abnormality and had the various encounters, he feels that his mental stability has been absolutely rattled as if it forcibly unlocked something that was meant to be kept closed. It's gotten harder lately. ]

But I've been worried about you, Emil.

I know. But, when you're at university you can meet people and--

[He cuts himself off. They both knew what Oria would be missing out on if he stopped going properly. Sinclair wouldn't have the chance for that life, as temporary as it was. But Oria could. And he desperately wants that for Oria, knowing what Oria has seen, and the things he's been forced to do. He fidgets a little with his bag] ...I think it'd be good if you could keep doing that. It seems helpful for people to have those experiences.

[He glances back out the window at the second part of that conversation]

...ah, you're worried about me?

Edited 2024-01-07 08:02 (UTC)

[ Oria knows what he would be missing out on. It's not like he wants to, but did he ever have a choice in the matter? He momentarily grips the steering wheel harder than he's supposed to, but relaxes once he gets to traffic on the highway. He clicks his tongue in annoyance and lets go of the steering wheel. The cars are moving a meter a minute. ]

Yeah, I am. You've been wanting revenge against Kromer for so long, and now that you've finally gotten it, I was worried if you felt empty.

[ That's how most vengeance goes, which was why Oria was worried about the revenge plot, because if Sinclair and Mithrun died for it while feeling empty, Oria wouldn't have wanted that for them.

... ]

[ Sinclair is quiet for a moment, his thoughts tangled up together. He wants Oria to fight for it, a brief reprieve with a normal life... but that was just hypocrisy coming from him, all things considered. He takes the lollipop out of his mouth, frowning]

I... wanted revenge, but I wasn't living for it. Not since...well, I figured things out. With you, Michel...[ He looks the river of cars before them. Prior to Fragment, he had spent most of that time running. ]

Honestly... I'm still scared. Even though I saw her die,.I can't shake the sense that when I return to Seattle, she'll be there to haunt me all over again. That the idea I'm actually free of her is just an illusion. Crazy, right?

[ Oria knows when to give up. He's fought for it before, but there was just no feasible way. Alas. He listens to Sinclair talk and when he finishes, he reaches out to hold his hand. ]

No, that's normal. She's been stalking you and making sure that you live in fear of her more than a year. That sort of thing get ingrained into you. It's not something you can just shake off after her death. It lingers.

[ He squeezes Sinclair's hand for a moment. ]

But that's why I'll be here to help you through it, even if I can't be there physically. I'll be there for you whenever I can, in whatever way I can. Over time, your mind will realize that she's no longer here. And that you're free.

Mm. Yeah. Okay.

[ Sinclair swallows, squeezing Oria's hand. His throat suddenly feels tight, like every single emotion he's had over the last few weeks threatens to overwhelm him. After everything, he hadn't wanted to let this show. And yet...]

It's so frustrating though...that she still has that influence over me.

[ Oria knows that it probably wasn't as comforting as he wanted it to be, but he's not sure what else to say right now. He could use his natural charisma or whatever, but when he sees Sinclair like that and reflects on his own actions and thoughts, all the words he wants to say go down the metaphorical drain. ]

You're right. It's incredibly frustrating.

[ Oria understands. He felt like he was Satria's shadow throughout most of his life. Imagine a dead fetus having influence over you. ]

That's why... I want us to take the time and go over that together.

[ Sinclair looks at Oria and nods, lifting his hand up to press to his cheek and nuzzle gently. He's thankful for Oria.]

...together sounds good. I'm so lucky to have you.

[ Charismatic words wouldn't help here; but Oria's raw feelings do help. It keeps him steady]

[ Oria rubs his thumb over Sinclair's cheek just a little, since he can't do much in the driver's seat, even though the car is only moving so slowly, if at all. ]

Yeah, so... process it with me. You can tell me anything.

[ Sinclair presses a soft kiss to Oria's palm, exhaling softly]

Mm. You always make these things easy for me.

Yeah, so... if you ever wanna let it out, you can now. I'm right here to listen.

[ If Sinclair feels like talking about it right now anyway. They're stuck in traffic together for the foreseeable future. ]

[ Sinclair gives a tiny nod, squeezing at Oria's hand a little more tightly. His eyes feel hot ]

You know, I keep thinking I just want to run away somewhere with you. So we don't have to deal with any of this anymore...

[ Oria gives a momentary hand squeeze in return. It's okay to cry. It's always for others to cry. ]

Yeah? Where would you want to go? Maybe like the island where I hosted the reunion party? That was practically in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah. [ Sinclair wipes at his eyes, tangling their fingers together]

Something like that. It felt really free from everything.

[ Softly ]

...I was glad I was in the hospital during Christmas. They didn't play music in my room or try to decorate it to give me Christmas 'cheer'.

I'm glad that they didn't do that. They blasted it in mine because it was connected to everything... I was so ready to leave.

[ Oria laughs a little, trying to lighten the mood a little and trying to get Sinclair to talk more. ]

Was it peaceful during recovery?

I don't know how mine got to be so private honestly.

[ Sinclair laughs, his mood lightening a little]

It was... peaceful. It was confusing when I woke up though. It was so hard to move... honestly I panicked a bit too since it was empty. Turns out Mr. Gregor had stepped out for a smoke...

A smoke break, huh?

[ smh!! How dare he leave Sinclair by himself?? ]

But I'm glad your coworkers visited you during that time.

[ He's not sure if he should call them friends, but they seem to have a deep understanding of each other in a sense. ]

[Sinclair nods, leaning back into his seat]

Mm. I guess...we really do look out for each other. I was glad Michel was right. [ A shaky exhale] I was terrified Mithrun was correct and Kromer did get me...

I doubt Kromer would get to you when you were mostly at your company's dorm. The hospital would be after that. From what I've seen of them, if they just let them take you, it would hurt their pride, at the very least.

[ If not out of camaraderie, then out of personal stakes and values. Pride. Of course. ]

[ Sinclair laughs, shaky but genuine as he nods]

They really do have too much pride like that...I knew that, yet, I couldn't shake the fear once it got in my head.

[ He softly exhales ]

I should destroy phone I directed all her messages to.

Yeah? I'll get you a new one! There's this new model that came out, and it's pretty sturdy too. And it's alright, Emil.

[ He laces his fingers with Sinclair's. ]

Fear is always irrational.

[ He smiles, relaxing a little]

...you know, it's comforting when you say that.

[ That it is irrational...but that was fine too. He links their fingers together]

A newer phone that can survive a lot would be nice.

It's true! Fear is always irrational. You can prepare yourself for it, but still freeze up when you confront it. It's not like I got over my fear of heights in a day either. Or a week. Or a month... stuff like this takes a while. And... I know this will too, but it'll eventually fade over time.

You've gotten better at facing forward, so I know you can come through.

[ Ah. Sinclair swallows again, and he leans over to press his lips to Oria's cheek in gratitude. Each word feels like a balm to his heart.

This too shall pass.]

If you can believe in me... then so can I.

I will always believe in you, Emil.

[ He smiles at him. ]

Because you're actually a stronger person than you think you are.

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